Dawn's Notes
Flying On Without Them - June 2023
by Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW
A few years ago, one of my younger sisters, Gay Celeste, died at the age of 64 after a battle with cancer. It was hard for us siblings to let her go, but we had no other choice. We do not get to decide when it is time for a loved one to go Home. The next year when we had our first sibling reunion in Kentucky without her, she was sorely missed. It was during those days together that one of my sisters, Joan, showed us a vase and told us the story about it. The vase was about 4-5 inches tall and about 4 inches in diameter. On the bottom of the vase was the picture of a bird, a crane, in flight. On the side of the vase there were five birds, also matching cranes, flying along together. Joan said that our sister Gay had kept the vase with her in her bedroom. Shortly before she died, when the reality sunk in that she was not going to live, she told my youngest sister Mary Anne, her caregiver, about the vase. But first, I must describe the vase.
Gay told Mary Anne, “The crane on the bottom is Gary.” (Gary is our only brother.) She said that the five birds on the side of the vase were her five sisters who are still alive—Joy, Dawn, Hope, Joan, and Mary Anne. Then she said, “You will have to fly on without me,” profound words that touched our hearts and made us cry. Words that let us know she was thinking about us, even when she was so sick, when she was grieving because she must leave us. But it was her wish that we keep on flying after she was gone.
So during our few days together in Kentucky at our first reunion without her, we continued on with life. We cooked tasty food, played music, told stories, laughed, even danced. But Gay was not forgotten. My oldest sister Joy set a picture of Gay on her coffee table—the photo was made in my sister’s younger years—she was so pretty! Mary Anne sent a bouquet of flowers which she picked from my sister Gay’s flower garden at the little house she owned when she was alive. My sisters and I wore matching hand-strung beads that Gay had made for us before she died. The beads were tangible reminders that she had lived and loved us. No, she was not forgotten; we still had our memories.
In 2021 another younger sister Joan died suddenly, leaving only five siblings to fly on. Her death was also devastating for all of us—we thought we would have many more years with her. Again, we grieved because we will not see her again on this earth. No more notes, phone calls, or music with Joan. No more stories about her Alaska adventures where she lived for over forty years. After Joan’s death, my heart was so heavy that it felt like it I could not even “walk” on without her. I felt like a large, bumbling bumblebee with tiny wings, unable to get off the ground. (Even scientists used to believe it was impossible for bumblebees to fly, yet they do fly.)
My siblings and I coped by writing our memories for a memory book with photos of Joan, and we shared our book with relatives and friends. We did not want her to be forgotten! We knew our little sister had lived her 73 years of life very well. Even though life was not always easy for her, she worked hard and stayed kind and loving. We realized Joan had accomplished more in her 73 years than some people accomplish in 100. I realized I had to pick myself up and “fly on” without Gay and Joan a bit longer. Even though I would always miss them, I had no other choice. Then someday, I believe I will make my final flight Home, and I will see them again!
Even in our unspeakable grief, beautiful things take wing.
(A.R. Torres)
Call about the next "Living Life after Loss" Group at:
Meadowlark Hospice
709 Liberty, Clay Center, Kansas
(785) 632-2225
Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW, Group Facilitator