Dawn's Notes

Bumblebees and Hollyhocks
September 2010
by Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW

I grew up in Tennessee on a farm where my sisters and I were free to safely explore our large back yard, woods, and beyond.  We romped barefoot from early spring until fall, making memories that have lasted.  One of my memories is of bumblebees and hollyhocks.  Let me tell you how it worked.

When the hollyhocks were in full bloom in our back yard, my sisters and I would pick off a big blossom, just the flower without a stem.  We would hold the blossom in one hand like a cup and face the hollyhock stalk with wide-open blooms, waiting for an unsuspecting bumblebee to arrive inside a flower to sample the sweet nectar. 

When the bumblebee had settled himself inside the flower, we would quickly clamp the already-picked hollyhock over a blossom on the stalk with the bumblebee inside.  Then we had to hold on tightly, really hold on to the two flowers with the trapped bee!

While we held on to the hollyhocks, the bumblebee inside became frustrated and buzzed and buzzed, louder and louder!  We had trapped a bumblebee, and we were in charge of the show!  Such fun it was—at first!

Then, in time, our arms became tired, the game grew old, but inside that hollyhock was a very angry bumblebee!  Yes, the only down side to our game was we eventually had to let go, we had to turn loose!

Even though we had done the “bumblebee-hollyhock trick” before, it was always a temptation to do it again.  But as a general rule, the bumblebee won even though we had learned to run like crazy when we turned loose!  But we usually got stung!  The pain was excruciating with ensuing swelling, soreness, and itching to follow!

Looking back, I believe there are lessons I learned about bumblebees and hollyhocks which can be contrasted and compared to grieving.

• As children we chose whether or not to play the bumblebee-and-hollyhocks game.  With grieving, there is no choice. 

• Sometimes when playing with bumblebees and hollyhocks, we did not get stung.  Grieving almost always causes excruciating pain. 

• As a child, while hanging on to the hollyhocks, my arms became tired; hanging on to the past can be wearisome and tiring.

• Whether hanging on to an angry bumblebee in two flowers or hanging on to the past, turning loose of either can be painful.  (Turning loose and moving on with life does not mean you love the one who died any less.)

• When holding on to a bumblebee, one must make a decision when to turn loose.  The same is true with grieving the loss of a loved one—moving on is a conscious decision.

Even though “letting go” of the past can be difficult and painful, at some point, one may have to turn loose of the “hollyhocks” in order to move around “the yard” and explore life freely again.  (You will know when the time is right for you.)

If you are grieving, turning loose may cause apprehension.  But dare to kick off your shoes and feel the cool, green grass beneath your feet.  Yes, sometime you just have to let go! 

by Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW
Meadowlark Hospice

Call about the next "Living Life after Loss" Group at:
Meadowlark Hospice
709 Liberty
Clay Center, Kansas
(785) 632-2225

Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW, Group Facilitator