Dawn's Notes

Milestones
November 2008
by Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW

There is a Chinese Proverb that says “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”  If you have recently lost someone you love, that first step or steps may be difficult!  If your loved one had a long illness, you may be bone-tired and have little physical and emotional reserves left.  Or you may still be reeling from a sudden death!  You may have told yourself, “I just have to get through the funeral, then I can collapse.”  And somehow, with the help to those around you, you get through the funeral--a milestone!  Perhaps you were a bit numb, later remembering little about the funeral, but you got through it—the important thing!

If you have lost a child, your pain must be unthinkable—I cannot imagine!  If you have lost a spouse, you probably faced having to stay alone for the first time, having to decide if you could sleep alone in the same bed you once shared with the one you loved.  You may be reluctant to eat at the table where the empty chair is a harsh reminder that your loved one is no longer there.   Somehow, day by day, you get up, put one foot in front of the other--eat, muddle through a day, sleep, then repeat.  And you survive—one day at a time!  You are on a new journey, but not the journey of your choosing, without your child, your spouse, sibling, friend, or parent!

The death certificates arrive, another reminder of the finality of the death.  Bills to pay, Social Security to notify, addresses to change, and a myriad of business details to attend to!  The phone rings and someone asks to speak with your loved one and you have say, “He (or she) died.”  Mail still arrives day after day with your loved one’s name on it.  A song or an expected reminder may bring an instant gush of tears!

The first year is made of many “firsts,” many milestones!  The first day alone, the first week alone, the first month alone!  Perhaps you mark each month mentally with “one month today,” “two months today!”  The first birthday of your loved one without him or her.  The first anniversary!  Thanksgiving, then Christmas.  Maybe you are dreading a first Christmas--tough, really tough.  Then the ever-looming, dreaded, one-year anniversary of the death of a loved one!  I remember the dread of that one-year anniversary of the death of my husband!

Perhaps you have heard the old saying, “Walk a mile in my shoes.”  Your “walk” is different from anyone else’s walk.  We as humans may try to imagine what someone else’s “walk” is like.   But we can only imagine!  If your life has been difficult for any reason at all, the main thing is to “keep walking!” If you have made it even one day since the death of someone you love, you have started a new journey.  You are coping!  Keep walking!  Be patient with yourself.  

When a loved one dies, it may seem like the rest of the world does not skip a beat!  I remember a man telling me that after his wife died suddenly of a heart attack at age thirty-three, he would go downtown as before.  He said his heart felt like it was breaking, yet the world was going on with “business as usual,” drinking coffee, laughing as if nothing had happened!  

After the death of my husband, I used to tell myself that millions before me had walked the path of losing someone dear.  I told myself that millions had lived through it.  Even though knowing that did not really help the hurt in my heart at the time, at least in my head I reasoned that grief, even though excruciating, is not deadly if I could just “keep walking.”  So, shoulders back, take a deep breath, and put one foot in front of the other.  Easy, no!   Keep walking, and allow those who care about you to walk beside you!  You will reach the milestones one by one!  With time, each marker, each milestone, will become a tiny bit easier!  You must “keep walking!”

Call about the next "Living Life after Loss" Group at:
Meadowlark Hospice
709 Liberty
Clay Center, Kansas
(785) 632-2225

Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW, Group Facilitator