Dawn's Notes

Living Life After Loss
September 2008
by Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW

ABOUT GRIEVING

 Webster’s dictionary defines the word hope  as  “to want or wish for something with a feeling of confident expectation.”  After the loss of a loved one, one’s hope for the future may be in short supply!    Immediate tasks may demand one’s attention.  Paperwork and finances may be overwhelming for surviving family members.  Death certificates and advertisements from monument companies may drive home the fact that a loved one really is gone.  Coming home to an empty house with no one to talk may be excruciating after losing a spouse!  One’s appetite may be almost nil, and eating may not seem important.  A person may begin to wonder about his or her own emotional stability, as emotions may swing from “okay” to “crying at the drop of a hat.”  The realities of the present may obscure hope for the future.

If a husband has died, a wife may have to quickly learn how to deal with car maintenance and lawn mowing, and a husband may have to learn to cook, do laundry, and clean the house.  Looking beyond today, having hope for the future may be a bit hard to imagine.    So how does one have hope for a life without a loved one?   Yet without hope, feelings of despair, helplessness, and chronic depression may set in.  Hope is necessary for one who is battling an illness or for those who have lost a loved one through death.

ABOUT LIVING

There is a movie entitled “Hope Floats.”  An interesting title for a movie, yet there is truth in the title.  Hope does float!    Hope survives!  Hope enables one to keep on going even in tough circumstances.

I am reminded of a story (probably just a tale) about a frog who accidentally fell into a large, old-fashioned, milk can filled with fresh milk.  The story goes that a few hours later the farmer took off the lid to the milk can and to his surprise, there was the frog!  A very tired frog, but an alive frog, sitting calmly on a pad of butter!  Quite obviously, during the night, the frog had “kept kicking.”  He had kicked long enough and hard enough to separate the butterfat from the milk—the frog had made butter which gave the frog a little place to rest!

What one hopes for in the future will depend on one’s age, one’s values, and life experiences.  A young girl or boy may hope that Santa Claus will leave a new dolly or a B-B gun for Christmas.  A teen-ager may hope for a new, sporty car.  A college student may hope to pass college.  An Olympic athlete may hope to win.  An middle-aged parent may hope for a good-paying job in order to support a family well.  As we grow older and after a loss, we may hope for good health for ourselves and the ones we love.  And we may hope for time, yes, the precious gift of time to be with those we love. 

 If you are alive, even though you may have experienced a loss, there is hope for you, even though it may not yet feel like life can be rebuilt.  Sometime making our hopes and dreams come true may take some “active participation” on our part.  You may have to just “keep kicking,” even when you are tired and life is tough.  There is a poem called “Hope” by Catrina  Ganey.  Some of the lines read:  “One must hope.  Sometimes. . .  that’s the only thing that keeps us alive.”

Call about the next "Living Life after Loss" Group at:
Meadowlark Hospice
709 Liberty
Clay Center, Kansas
(785) 632-2225

Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW, Group Facilitator