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Dawn's NotesLiving Life after Loss You may have heard the saying “life is hard.” But when a loved one dies, the saying “life is hard” may take on new meaning! Not only can life become rough, but a lonely walk may begin for the bereaved. After the death of my husband in 2006, I found that life was both hard and lonely. Until a person experiences the loss of a close loved one, it may be difficult to understand just how lonely “the walk” may be. Before an expected death, friends and family may be near to help, encourage and support—that was my experience. I still have great appreciation for so many--I will never forget their kindnesses. Many friends and family members may attend respect calls and the funeral. An abundance of delicious food may pour in, and handfuls of sympathy cards may fill mailboxes for days—genuine outpourings of caring and love! THEN the hard part begins! At least it did for me! One of my sisters stayed with me a week to help ease me from a houseful of caring family members to an empty, quiet house. Yes, then the loneliness and hard part really set in! Friends and family members still loved me dearly and were attentive. But they had to return to jobs and their normal routines. I struggled to establish some kind of new routine, some kind of new “normal” for myself, for my previous “normal” was forever gone. Life as I had known it would never be the same, and daily my heart ached as I returned to a quiet, empty house. One day while visiting the cemetery where my husband was buried, I walked around, reading the names and dates on the markers. I noticed that in some cases one spouse had died to be followed by the other spouse in just a year or two! It was a reality check for me! It gave me new incentive to survive, to “fight back,” to “keep on kicking,” to live in spite of my hurt. But how does one “fight back” and survive when one’s heart is broken? ABOUT LIVING That spring it was difficult to “see” the beauty of springtime as in previous years. But as the grass greened up, I regularly mowed a walking path around my pasture, breaking up or digging up the rocks on the path so I could mow more easily. At the very end of the pasture, overlooking a neighbor’s pasture, I mowed out a large, new area which I named “Peaceful Place.” I placed a glider seat in my newly mowed area. The glider faced west so I could view the pasture, a large pond, and breathtaking sunsets. The neighbor’s cows came to visit me each evening, curiously looking over the fence at me as I sat at Peaceful Place. I found new beauty around me in spite of my aching heart! As the sun went down, I could hear the songs of mockingbirds, meadowlarks, and peasants. Cows number 27 and number 48 came close to fence to check me out! Nightly I watched for the cows with #27 and #48 on their eartags; they became my “buddies,” and we “talked.” My heart felt a little less sad at Peaceful Place, and cows, birds, and sunsets became a part of my new “normal” each day. If you have recently experienced a loss, your heart may too ache as you struggle for a new “normal,” a new routine. Perhaps you need a “peaceful place,” some place or some thing, to help your heart hurt just a bit less. Your “peaceful place” will probably not resemble mine in the least! Maybe it is a quiet walk, reading a book, listening to music, a bubble bath, a phone call to a friend or family member. Maybe your “peaceful place” is holding a grandchild on your lap. Whatever your situation, please be encouraged that the pain, in time, does become a bit less acute, and your heart will begin to heal. Hang on, just hang on, and discover your very own “peaceful place” with its own special beauty. Call about the next "Living Life after Loss" Group at: Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW, Group Facilitator
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