Dawn's Notes

Living Life After Loss
July 2008
by Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW

ABOUT GRIEVING

Have you ever been in a car spinning out of control? Or on a roller coaster ride, wishing you could get off? Maybe you can still remember “the kick in the stomach,” the emotions, when the doctor informed you that someone you loved had a terminal illness. Or perhaps you remember when you were told that the one you loved so dearly had suddenly died. In situations such as these, you may have felt your life was out of control, and yes, it was! You may have felt you were in a car, careening wildly, slipping and sliding on black ice! No matter what direction you turned the steering wheel, the car would not straighten up, and you had to ride it out! Then there was the crash, the hurt, the pain!

From your experience you may have learned that some things cannot be avoided, some things cannot be changed. As we all know, but may not want to face, ultimately death may “win,” snatching the one we love from us, no matter how hard we search for another opinion or a new treatment. If we are not careful, we may start to believe that /everything/ in our life is out of control, that there is nothing we can control. And after the loss of a loved one, justifiably so, we may feel like life is no longer safe. We may feel powerless, vulnerable, threatened! Initial feelings of shock and disbelief may turn to anger or depression, or you may experience your own unique feelings.


Whatever your situation, you will probably agree that life has given you lemons—big, fat, sour lemons! Lemons so bitter that you cry from the pain! You may ask, “Now what? Where do go from here?”

ABOUT LIVING

It may feel like you will never genuinely laugh again, that there will never be pleasure in life again. Even though it may not be easy, the rebuilding of your life /is/ in your hands; it is up to you! But how?

Perhaps you may want to start looking for things that you */can/* control! If you /can/ still take care of your finances, bully for you! If you /can/ get out and walk or take an exercise class, then go for it—it will help you stay healthy! If you /can/ still go visit grandchildren, go enjoy the dirty faces, sticky little hands, and soak up some hugs! If you /can/ still take care of your home, how about some new paint to spiff things up? (I painted my kitchen a soft yellow after my husband died, and it gave me a lift!) You may be able to do more than you ever dreamed! How about a class? A lady graduated from Ft. Hays State University last year in her eighties and made the news! How about making a quilt or writing “your story” for your grandchildren? Think about your dreams! What do you still want to accomplish with the time—that wonderful gift of time—you still have? What gives you pleasure?

Life may have given you lemons, but there are still things in your life that you can control.
Easy, perhaps not. How about trying this recipe:

1. Take lemons and squeeze out every drop of juice.

2. Add “lots” of sugar and water to taste. Stir well.

3. Add ice.

4. Now, sit down, relax and enjoy. (Maybe consider sharing with a friend.)

You just made lemonade! You turned something bitter into something sweet. Lemondrops, lemon pie, lemon cake, or a glass of lemonade anyone?

Call about the next "Living Life after Loss" Group at:
Meadowlark Hospice
709 Liberty
Clay Center, Kansas
(785) 632-2225

Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW, Group Facilitator