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Dawn's NotesLiving Life after Loss Roller coasters! These two words bring many different memories and emotions to mind! Fun and delight for the thrill-seeker or apprehension, fear, and down-right terror for others! The “what’s coming next” as the cars make their way slowly up the steep incline with their slow clickety-clack. The feeling of being out-of-control once buckled into the car for the ride. At the top of the first hill, the slow clickety-clack is replaced with a fast roar as the cars plummet downward, from the peak to the bottom in seconds, to travel up, up, up, then down, down, down, one descent after another. My first real roller coaster ride was many years ago in St. Louis at the Highlands Amusement Park which housed the highest roller coaster in the U.S. at that time. I was a country girl from Tennessee who had never even seen a roller coaster, and my first ride is one I will never forget! I screamed, and my heart raced on my first straight-down descent. At the end ride, I exited “the terror machine” with wobbly knees. I vowed to never do that again! I, by choice, have never ridden a roller coaster of that magnitude again! When a person loses a loved one, in a sense, they board The Grief Roller Coaster. The problem is that the one on the roller coaster has no choice of whether or not to go for the ride. The situation forces the person on a “ride” which may be very frightening. The hills and valleys may be very steep, and the ride may be rough with ups and downs with twists and unexpected turns. Emotions may range from “I think I can, I think I can,” as in The Little Engine story, to feelings of despair. Emotions may range from feeling on top and coping at one moment, to plunging downward due to a memory, a song, or for no apparent reason at all. Even though there is no choice to whether to ride The Grief Roller Coaster, one need not feel totally out of control. Even within the situation, we as human beings can make choices which may help. ABOUT LIVING Shortly before my husband died, in an effort to help me with my grief, he reminded me that the grief experience does have its steep mountains and deep valleys at first. But he also reminded me that the steep, steep mountains and the very deep, dark valleys, become less steep and less dark in time. The mountains seem to flatten out a bit, turning into hills rather than mountains. And “the roller coaster” rides seems to be less often, more gentle, with fewer twists and turns. During the steepest part of “my ride,” I found that walking and exercise helped. Having a friend I could call really helped. Staying busy helped. Looking for someone worse off than myself helped. I also deliberately looked for music that made me feel happy. I avoided music that made me cry. I gave myself permission to celebrate holidays very differently. I set new goals for the future. Yes, I had to think future, since I could not control the past. You may be on a ride that you did not choose. But by no means are you totally at mercy of “the ride.” Consider what makes you feel less sad and alone. Maybe do more of those things and less of the things that make you experience the feelings of fear and despair. You can look forward to the day when “the ride” will be more like a riding a gentle wave that a riding a machine of terror! Tell y ourself, “I think I can” make it. Time is on your side. You can make it on this ride! Call about the next "Living Life after Loss" Group at: Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW, Group Facilitator
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