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Dawn's Notes
“Why Not” If you have ever felt totally alone, you might relate to the old fifties song called “All Alone Am I.” Or maybe you have felt “lonely to the bone,” as the old saying goes, loneliness so deep it may be difficult to put into words. One writer named Erick Hoffer said, “It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise.” Yes, after a death, loneliness speaks loudly in our hearts, makes us hurt, makes us ache and long for the one we loved. We long to talk to, eat with, to again be with the one we loved. Dante states, “There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy.” Memories remind us of what we lost, and we are forced to face a life without our loved one. While we remember our loved one, we must simultaneously move toward the future. What other choice do we have? Dag Hammarskjold, the Second Secretary-General of the United Nations stated, “Pray that your loneliness may spur you into something to live for.” Feeling lost and alone after a death is normal. While you are grieving, I encourage you to make a plan to help you deal with your loneliness. After the death of my husband a few years ago, I tried several things to help decrease my loneliness. It was difficult to go out to eat alone, but I occasionally ate out alone anyway. At home, I sometimes chose to eat meals on the deck instead of in the kitchen—a new view, a gentle breeze, and sometimes the birds were singing! I planted some trees in my husband’s memory, watered them faithfully, and I had the thrill of watching them grow! I took walks almost every night. I painted the walls in my house. I read books about grief and found that other widows had the same feelings I was having. I wrote my thoughts in small notebooks which I kept in my car, by my bed, and in the kitchen. For me it was healing to put my thoughts on paper. I planned a trip to see friends in another state, and I drove there alone. I explained to my children that if anything would happen, it was my choice to make the trip. I was determined to not stop living just because I was alone! I occasionally rented a funny movie and popped a mini bag of popcorn. (The smell and taste of popcorn was a treat!) I bought some peppy music, happy music and played it to help lift my spirits! I kept in touch with my sister Joan by email—she sent me funny emails that made me laugh. I talked to Joan and my other sisters by phone. I kept in touch with three other ladies who also had lost their husbands—we understood each other. Once I took my lawn chair to another town and listened to an outdoor concert until almost midnight. I chose to go to the concert rather than stay at home alone. I wanted to hear the music of the Oldies group, and I did! I sat alone—I knew no one. But temporarily, at least, my loneliness was quelled just a bit. I started thinking about how and where I wanted to spend my future years, God permitting. I looked for new goals for my life. I continued to work. I enrolled in a class and studied hard which kept me busy. I was not a hero. I still hurt; I still cried. My loneliness was not “cured.” But some of the loneliness was alleviated, at least for brief periods of time as my heart started to heal. So I encourage you to make your own “Loneliness Survival Plan” and start by considering things that might help you deal with your loss. What do you enjoy? What have you always wanted to learn or do? Robert Kennedy once said, “Some men see things as they are and ask why? Others dream things that never were and ask why not.” Why not take that first step and do something new if you haven’t already? Why not try something new? Dare to venture out of your “comfort zone” just a bit. Then as your heart heals, why not reach out to someone else who is hurting—it will probably help you the most! As Dale Carnegie said, “Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” So why not work toward a life of fulfillment! Even if you are alone physically, your heart just might be a little less lonely. Call about the next "Living Life after Loss" Group at: Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW, Group Facilitator |
